I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
