Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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