cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
