I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
