I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
