i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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