omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
