In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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