If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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