My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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