well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
