You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
