I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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