I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
