I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
