I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
