saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
