if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
