I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
