my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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