I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
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I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
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Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize