i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
