apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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