Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
