theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
