I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
