I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
