Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
