I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
