We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
