were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
