I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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