I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My dad just said "fuck circus"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
