i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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