$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
