I'm gonna have a badass scar
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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