i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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