Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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