Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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