there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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