My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
