He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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