Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
