im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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