I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
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I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
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I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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