if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
