So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
