Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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