I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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