I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
