Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
