Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?