Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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