yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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