matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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