I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
