I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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