dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
