FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
